I don't make good friends easily. And it's been hard to cut a few people out of my life for my own emotional and mental well-being.
A few people in my life I've called friends have taken advantage of me -- using me as a crutch or what I've termed a "fall-back" friend.
It often seemed I was the one people turned to when everyone else stopped listening to their gripes. I was happy to lend an ear and help if I could, knowing personally how hard it was to confide in anyone.
With an extreme amount of alone time, I began to think about these friends who talked to me -- rather at me -- only when they needed something. My mentality at the time caused me to blame myself for how they used me. What had I done to irritate them so badly they never asked how I was? How can I change to make them like me better? Why, when I take the time to listen, do they still only call me when they need something? How can I get them to say thank you?
At one point I isolated myself and made excuses if someone did call. Sometimes I didn't pick up the phone or respond to emails or text messages.
One person who used me as a crutch actually had the balls to call me a hermit and say she was worried about me when I made the mistake and answered her call. Yet in that same conversation, she talked only about herself and how horrible her life was. She never bothered asking if everything was all right with me.
It was at that point I cut her out. I was tired of being her crutch. I didn't want to waste my time on her constant complaining any more.
One friend in college made me realize I was more than just a sounding board. She was my life-saver. She made me realize friendship is more than just one friend listening to another -- it's learning new things about each other every time you hang out, sharing your hopes and dreams, sharing your fears and anxieties, singing so loud to music you can't speak the next day. She taught me about all the things I'd missed out on until I met her in 2002.
Though she and I don't talk often, it's always a give-and-take conversation -- not just a, "Hey Anna, I called to piss and moan" or "I called to tell you about my latest excursion you weren't invited to."
The few people I've cut out of my life never really said much about it. They each had their own groups of friends. I was simply that sounding board they used when their friends couldn't stand their whining any more. I was the person they shared embarrassing or questionable news with first to get some sort of satisfaction they were doing the right thing and ensuring that others wouldn't be so judgmental.
Most friends I cut out of my life were purposeful losses. I felt guilty about letting them go, but I was tired of being the "fall-back" friend and wanted to move on. I still have contact through Facebook with a few, but really it's just a comment or a like here and there.
Once I finally envisioned myself as a person more worthy of friendship than I'd been led to believe, I felt good about letting those friends go. After all, I never really had them to begin with, it seemed.
I now recognize those who might use me as a "fall-back" friend and just extend a friendly greeting, but steer clear of any real relationship. I don't want to be sucked into that kind of situation ever again.
Now I have a small circle of good friends who are always willing to talk and have that great give-and-take conversation every friendship should have.
I'm no longer anyone's crutch, nor am I a "fall-back" friend.
No comments:
Post a Comment